Something

We all want something. We constantly look forward to the next step in life. We constantly browse for the new piece of equipment to buy. To have more. To be happier. This drives to leave the bed in the morning, having something to look forward to. Something new and exciting and different. All these things we want are always in our mind. And we always want more.

I used to have a problem with this. Whenever I wanted something new, before I started pursuing it, I would ask myself: “Who wants it more than me? Who needs it more than me? Who deserves it more than me?” I always managed to convince myself that I wasn’t the right person to obtain this new thing. Someone else would give it a better use. I convinced myself that I could easily live without that and it wasn’t worth to chase something that I didn’t really need.

At that point, I knew it was wrong. Every motivational speech ever told me to pursue my dreams and fight for what I wanted. And I never did. I always found and excuse not to. More than ten years later, I want something.

I have finally accepted my capability of desire. I pursue my objective with strength and persistence and I wait until I get it. Not knowing if I will achieve it is causing me anxiety. It blocks me sometimes and makes me slow down. And I love this. I love the feeling of accepting what I want. I know I can live without it but this doesn’t make me stop chasing it.  I feel strong and vulnerable and I can’t do anything about it.

I am learning to live with frustration. An emotion that for so long I’ve avoided by preventing myself from truly wanting anything that will make me happier, because finally, after so long, I believe I deserve it.