Category: Depression

When the fuck will covid end


I understand every restriction,
every need for isolation,
the need to sit and wait,
the high infection rate.

I get that I can't fly home,
that it's normal to feel alone,
that I can't leave if I wanted to
that I don't get to hug or touch you.

I read all the lockdown plans,
the need for vaccine rollouts,
just holding on a little longer
waiting will make me stronger.

I am still trying to hold on
while everyone else has moved on.
I'm dealing with panic attacks
instead of accepting the facts

I am not able to accept this,
there are so many things I miss,
I just wait around doing nothing
and this letargy is crushing.

When the fuck will covid end
I just want to hug a friend,
fly home or take a break,
stop feeling my heart ache.

Mom

Hey mom 
Thanks for showing me what love looks like
and not fucking me up
Thanks for teaching me what home means
and that I shouldn't settle 
for any less.
Thanks for showering me with love
for making me feel blessed.
Thanks for letting me grow up 
without needing to worry
because you knew
I'd have plenty of time for that
once I was older.

Hey mom
I need you right now
can you come pick me up?
I can't find home.
Hey mom,
please take me away,
I'm so alone.
Mom,
I made a mistake 
I thought I could take it,
I'm so afraid.

f u c k

fuck this
fuck you
fuck me
fuck me
for trying to be better
for trying to save us
for trying to bring 
something better into our lives.

Fuck me for telling you 
how to generate endorphins
how to surround yourself with nature
and love the small things in life.

Fuck you for not liking any of me
my clothes, my mind, my voice,
or any of the things you get for free,
that I put so much effort in.

You did not like me 
when I told you  that we were enough
that we didn't need anything else.
You said you needed someone to help you grow.

And you do not like me 
when I tell you that I'm not enough
that I need to grow and be better
and that I need us to be more.

You say I am too intense
and you need someone more laid back
who can teach you to enjoy life,
who won't stress you out.

Maybe we're not meant
to be anything else
and this is the end of what we lived
because I am done.

so
fucking
tired.

Of living with someone 
who always complains
and never ever gives
and only hates
whatever he gets.

Ugly

I imagine ripping my heart out
And showing it to you
blood, veins, all the gore
just so you'd see
how hideous I am inside.
I wish you would stop looking at me
like I was worth something
or like I will achieve great things.
I know I won't.
I wake up some days
thinking anyone would be lucky to be me
that I should value more what I have,
that I should live life to the fullest.
I wake up some days
knowing my life is not worth it
and that I am throwing away
the best years of my life.
I hope you would stop saying
the good things you see in me
It makes it harder
to share the bad ones
I don't want to let you down
I want to keep you around

Huir

Quiero irme de aquí

No puedo estar más a tu lado

Huiré lejos de ti

Encontraré lo que me robaste.

Cada vez que te acercas

aunque no quieras hacer daño

deseo que me trague la tierra

y que me hayas olvidado.

Todo lo que vivimos

tan intenso, tantos años

ahora ya son mitos

son historias del pasado.

No volveré :

Aunque me sigas queriendo

solo quieres un perro fiel

y no alguien que tenga sus propios sueños.

Saco de boxeo

Soy una bomba de relojería. Me haces serlo. Siento que constantemente aguanto elevados niveles de presión, sin nunca hacer nada al respecto. Aguanto ataques. Me siento culpable. Algunas veces sé que lo haces sin querer. Otras veces, queriendo : me usas, como si fuera el saco y tú el boxeador, y tengo que encajar ganchos sin derrumbarme.

Tienes una personalidad destructiva, que acaba con la paciencia de la gente cercana a ti. Todos los que te rodeamos tenemos un punto de masoquismo, y nos encanta ver la vida a través de tus ojos, por que tu filtro gris hace que todo parezca una película dramática. Sin embargo, a veces busco en tí el ánimo que me falta para seguir, que me contagies las ganas de vivir, aunque se que nunca podré encontrarlo.

Cuando algo no te gusta, te quejas, te encierras en el problema, y no lo intentas cambiar, solo le das fuerza para que crezca y se vuelva más importante. La gente de tu alrededor pasa a formar parte de él, sentimos tu tristeza más intensamente que tú, porque empatizamos con esos sentimientos que eres incapaz de expresar.

Se acabó. No soy el saco de boxeo, ni el váter emocional de nadie. Quiero rodearme de personas que me den ganas de vivir, que me hagan reír, y que me dejen ser libre.

It’s me again!

You said I couldn’t do it

That I wasn’t good enough :

“There’s a million people who are

better, stronger, and tough.”

shut up shut up shut up shut up

You told me not to try

For fear of failing, again.

Stay back, just watch

Protect yourself from the pain.

shut up shut up shut up shut up

I listened to you

For days on end.

As time went by

I began to understand.

shut up shut up shut up shut up

You are not me

Although you speak louder.

I’ll get away from you

You know I can run faster.

shut up shut up shut up shut up

You’re the voice in my head

and you wish I would suffer

But I’ve learned to say no

I am whole, stronger, and tougher.

 

 

(Read part one here)

 

Depression

How many more battles
will need to be fought
while surrounded others
but not being able to talk?

How many sleepless nights,
watching the hours come and go
without knowing who to call
Never feeling at home

Countless flavourless meals
Eaten for nourishment alone
Not bothering to perceive
Neither colour, smell or warmth.

Every day, feeling the room shrink
While craving some fresh air
Having had too much to drink
Just needing to get out of your head.

Lifeline

Do not hang up.

My life depends

on continuing to hear your voice.

Please, don’t go.

I really don’t want to be alone.

Talk to me about your pain

but also, about all the things

that are not at all important.

I miss talking into the night

and not being able to live without you.

So much has changed.

Take me away with your words

To some place far away

where I won’t even remember

who I am

and what caused me to call you

ion the middle of the night

crying for help.